People Never Learn

Way back in the day I worked for a retail store for over 8 years. Apparently I'm one of these people who never learn. For 8 years I spent 40+ hours a week helping people, answering questions (most of them beyond stupid), cleaning up after some of the most disgusting assholes New York has to offer, serving coffee, stealing from the company, banging all the grief stricken women (you'll find tons working in retail) and occasionally setting fire to my ass hair just to prove a point. For almost a decade, I got paid shitty wages and was given way too much to handle. When I was first hired, they spent a week training me. At the end of that week they gave me a "New Employee Questionnaire". I had an hour to fill it out which is way too much time for someone like me to sit at a table thinking about how to answer these schmuck questions. About 20 seconds into it, I decided that I didn't really want to work there and just wrote down a bunch of shit. I handed it in and I worked there for 8 years. I ran two departments and was responsible for about 15 people. Here is the first question and answer to that questionnaire that led to the beginning of a regretful career:
*I have changed the name of the company for I haven't the funds for a lawsuit. Let's call it Brownstar's
Q: What is our main focus as employees of Brownstar's? (Hint: It's the job we all have in common.)

A: Our main focus is customer service. Whether it's hand, mouth or anal service all depends on the customer's needs. For instance, if a leopard gets into the store, a variety of biblical screams may help.

This is the first question of many. I will share this entire questionnaire with you in my upcoming blogs. ENJOY

I'm just an idiot!

I just spent twenty minutes pacing around outside my house, armed with my shitty HP digital camera, hoping to catch a glimpse of Mars. "It'll be so close you can pinch it with your toes", they told me. Yeah, I got a nice view of my empty hopes and a few crackheads running the stop sign. SON OF A BITCH!!! I'm gonna start my own little rumor. Here it is: If you find yourself all alone outside, staring at the sky, a leprachaun will offer you sweets and a reach around. I wish I had a telescope so I could smash the cranium of the jerkoff who told me to stand outside looking like a dick. Shit.

What A Wonderful World!

I'd like to start off by thanking my "Elected" officials for creating an environment that gives me a reason to shit in my pants on a daily basis. Thank you from the bottom of my soiled undies. If you read my earlier blogs (if you didn't then you're a dick) you know that I have children. Never in my life did I think that I would be able to care for something, anything, the way I do my kids. The daddy in me kicked in to full gear quickly. There in lies the problem. My first thought in the morning; The Kids, my last thought at night; The kids. Every once in a while I'll think of deli meats or driving a "Mr. Softee" truck through someone's living room but for the most part, I'm thinking of my own.
So how do you think I feel when our beautiful color-coded emergency system kicks into gear? Orange, red, yellow, fuck you. What have I done? I brought two kids into a world of war and fear. They're gonna grow up with this shit. And how the fuck am I supposed to answer all their questions? They're gonna grow up hearing all this bad shit about the country they live in and they're gonna ask me, "Daddy, why do we live here?" And I'm gonna say, "Go ask your mother. She's really smart. Daddy make poopy." Then I'll spit a little and fake a fainting.
When I was a boy in the 80's (what a hoot that was) I just heard the remains of the cold war. "Those scary soviets could strike at any minute!!! Run, run straight to your church and pray!!!" Because one of the lord's many talents is stealing launch codes, I'm sure. Fortunately for me, Rocky IV came out and I saw, with my own two eyes, Rocky Balboa beat the shit out of Ivan Drago. He was in enemy territory and they couldn't even beat him. Oh yeah, they sent a few retards after him when he went out for a morning jog. That movie single handedly turned the Soviet Union into a shitty joke. We laughed for hours on end, "Ha, ha, ha."
My kids need a movie like that. A nice animated feature that shows their enemies as nothing but a bunch of ugly assholes who use their money and position in life to scare us all into submission. I wonder if the Bush administration would be willing to do the voice overs and the main character can be an oily seagull.
I don't know what to believe anymore. I have no trust in the people who are supposed to be protecting me and my family. I replaced religion with thought when I was a teenager, so sitting alone at the edge of my bed, talking to my ceiling is out. Every plan that my so-called "leaders" come up with is dumber than the next. We can't come up with anything better? Are you fucking kidding me? Here's what I'm gonna do; I'm gonna take care of my own and preserve life as I see fit. My government has failed my children, religion can only do more harm and the education system is just a real peach. Just ask the folks in New Orleans about the help they got. No government, no church and nobody came to their aid, they had eachother and that was it. Let it be a lesson. We've had planes crash into NYC and a hurricane practically wipe away one of the greatest cities on the planet. Take charge, open your eyes and speak up. Maybe, just maybe, by the time my kids are old and dirty they can truly be proud of their world.

HOW CAN I WATCH THIS SHIT? Part III

Along side Maury there is one other show I can't get enough of, World's Wildest Police Chases. Have you seen this shit? HOLY GOD! They show you asshole after asshole drive 100 mph straight into a tree. And the host, John Bunnell, I'd like to nominate him for saint-hood. I love it when he stands there all strong and shit while they act out an arrest behind him during his intro to the next clip. I couldn't do that. You know you're a real hard hitting son-of-a-bitch when you can walk through an arrest in progress and not even stumble with your lines. Well, maybe it's not that hard. If you've seen the show, 95% of the clips are from Macon County, Georgia. I'm serious. That's how I know Macon County is the biggest collection of badasses in the history of the world. Every single video starts out with, "Here in macon County, Georgia". Now that I think of it, his lines are the same for every single clip. It goes like this: " Here in Macon County, Georgia this perpetrator has decided to run from police. What he doesn't know is that this officer is a real great driver." He should change it up a bit, every now and then. Maybe something like this would work: "Here in Macon County, Georgia this drunken mullet on wheels has desided to take his uncledad's pick-up for a ride around the farm but what he doesn't know is . . . I'm banging his wife!" Then they cut to a live feed of John Bunnell doggin' that bitch from the back. Or how about this: "Here in Macon County, Georgia a normal traffic stop has turned into a high speed pursuit. The fact that this criminal has failed to realize is . . . that there's a small, bearded man wearing a pine cone hat in his back seat, waving a bloody hatchet above his head." That would freshen things up a bit. No? Oh, ok.

HOW CAN I WATCH THIS SHIT? Part II

You can tell how much trouble we're in just by watching t.v. for three minutes. Here's an example: I saw a commercial where an attractive woman looks into a mirror, runs her hands through her hair and then makes a face like she just shit a silly straw. Then the voice over says, "What's worse than roots?" What's worse than roots? How about cancer you stupid shit. I don't know, maybe being homeless or getting attacked by Johnnie and his cronies from the Cobra Kai Dojo. There was one other time I saw that commercial but I wasn't really paying attention so when the guy said, "What's worse than roots?", I thought he was talking about the epic mini-series starring Levar Burton. What's worse than roots? Fuck you. Is that how far out of whck our priorities are? You can't ask a question like that nowadays. You got suicide bombers and government cover-ups and that asshole yeti walking around. Fuck your hair. The commercial should've gone like this: The woman looks at her hair, makes an ugly face then the voice over says, "Get over yourself, asshole!". Then I would enter stage right wearing noghing but a sweater vest and neckerchief, crooning like a drunk. Now that would've made a great commercial.

HOW CAN I WATCH THIS SHIT? Part I

No matter how hard I try, I cannot stop watching television. No matter how many times I sit there and say, "What the fuck have we become", I still tune in night after night. It's too powerful. Either that or I'm just a big, stupid dick. I always hear people talk about t.v. as if it were a poison and I completely understand where they're coming from. On many accounts, I actually agree with them but I can't stop watching. There are so many good shows . . . like Maury. You watch Maury, right? That show is the shit. My wife records it on the DVR everyday and they don't just play one episode. No. Fuck that. They play two in a row and then a couple of hours later . . . THEY PLAY TWO MORE! Maury knows we can't get enough of his show. Day after day of paternity tests and crushed hopes, it's great. It doesn't matter where you're from or how you grew up, when you watch Maury you laugh, you cry, you smile when you find that renewed sense of hope and then you ask, "How the fuck are we the species that controls everything?" If you get the chance, watch the Maury show, let all of the information that you've gained sink in and then picture our president sitting on stage between maury and some angry bitch waiting for those child support checks to come rolling in. He fits right in! We're fucked!

LET "EM FALL! Part III

So I restate my plan, let the kid fall down and bust his ass every now and then. How did my son learn not to touch the stove top? Because his index finger almost melted to his thumb. I told him not to but he insisted on learning himself. Hey, wanna know how he learned not to stick his finger in the electrical socket? He sprinted into my bedroom one day showing off a new hairdo that was reminiscent of Einstein after a night of opium induced ass banging. Let them get their asses kicked a little. Obviously step in when the kid decides to set fire to the curtains or starts a "Fight Club" in the bathroom but other than that it's ok to let them pick themselves up when they fall. Let them gain some character while feeding their brains. Let them learn to be, at the very least, somewhat independant. Let them be thankful that mommy and daddy knew when to stop coddling their precious baby and allowed them to figure a few things out themselves. That way they might not be afraid to turn out a little like you. Hell, I hope my son turns out a little like his old man who at the age of twenty-five still lied to his boss when he had to go home and take a shit or "Help The Padre" as I liked to call it.
I believe that our children will thank us for backing off and giving them space. I had quite a few friends when I was younger whose parents were unbelievable. Constantly nagging and following them around and busting their balls to the point where one of closest friends had the theme from "The Omen" play on his cell phone every time his mother called. Take a good look "cuz that'll be you. Don't worry they'll be ok. Just stand back and watch them grow. They might just impress you.
THE END