The Questionnaire

If you haven't read the blog before this one, "People Never Learn", read it now.

#2 Q: Name some tools that you have at your disposal to meet our customer's needs. Name at least 3.

A: My cock, fingers and hair.

#3 Q: If a specified product isn't in stock, what should you automatically do to help that customer?

A: I would automatically challenge them to a dance-off. Following the boogie-down, I would then lead them to a hidden
corner and begin the execution.

#4 Q: A customer looks on our user friendly in-house computer and finds something to their liking. They then find you and
say that it's in section 3A. What do you do to put the product in the customer's hand?

A: My strength would help because I would pick them up and carry them away. Once we've reached a destination I would
drop them to the floor, say, "You were terrific.", slap my ass, cough and calmly walk away.

#5 Q: What are the services we can extend to the customers at the cash register?

A: Services such as forcing them to watch my A-hole open up as I blast a steamer or a vicious bird call go a long way.

#6 Q: The customer at your register says, "I didn't find what I was looking for.", What do you say to her?

A: I would just stand there holding my breath till I could hold it no more then exhale violently so that spit and bad
breath would cover her face and collar area. I could also reinact the torching of Dimple Hill.

#7 Q: What can you recommend to customers in the cafe?

A: I would recommend that they follow me to the back-stock area. I'd tell them that this is where we keep the freshest food and that they could take whatever they wanted because they're good people and while they were rifling through product I'd attach some sort of winged extension to my arms and flap about their ass and back. Once asked what I was doing, I'd begin weeping and vomiting. That should get them out of my hair for a while.

More to come...

People Never Learn

Way back in the day I worked for a retail store for over 8 years. Apparently I'm one of these people who never learn. For 8 years I spent 40+ hours a week helping people, answering questions (most of them beyond stupid), cleaning up after some of the most disgusting assholes New York has to offer, serving coffee, stealing from the company, banging all the grief stricken women (you'll find tons working in retail) and occasionally setting fire to my ass hair just to prove a point. For almost a decade, I got paid shitty wages and was given way too much to handle. When I was first hired, they spent a week training me. At the end of that week they gave me a "New Employee Questionnaire". I had an hour to fill it out which is way too much time for someone like me to sit at a table thinking about how to answer these schmuck questions. About 20 seconds into it, I decided that I didn't really want to work there and just wrote down a bunch of shit. I handed it in and I worked there for 8 years. I ran two departments and was responsible for about 15 people. Here is the first question and answer to that questionnaire that led to the beginning of a regretful career:
*I have changed the name of the company for I haven't the funds for a lawsuit. Let's call it Brownstar's
Q: What is our main focus as employees of Brownstar's? (Hint: It's the job we all have in common.)

A: Our main focus is customer service. Whether it's hand, mouth or anal service all depends on the customer's needs. For instance, if a leopard gets into the store, a variety of biblical screams may help.

This is the first question of many. I will share this entire questionnaire with you in my upcoming blogs. ENJOY