HOW CAN I WATCH THIS SHIT? Part III

Along side Maury there is one other show I can't get enough of, World's Wildest Police Chases. Have you seen this shit? HOLY GOD! They show you asshole after asshole drive 100 mph straight into a tree. And the host, John Bunnell, I'd like to nominate him for saint-hood. I love it when he stands there all strong and shit while they act out an arrest behind him during his intro to the next clip. I couldn't do that. You know you're a real hard hitting son-of-a-bitch when you can walk through an arrest in progress and not even stumble with your lines. Well, maybe it's not that hard. If you've seen the show, 95% of the clips are from Macon County, Georgia. I'm serious. That's how I know Macon County is the biggest collection of badasses in the history of the world. Every single video starts out with, "Here in macon County, Georgia". Now that I think of it, his lines are the same for every single clip. It goes like this: " Here in Macon County, Georgia this perpetrator has decided to run from police. What he doesn't know is that this officer is a real great driver." He should change it up a bit, every now and then. Maybe something like this would work: "Here in Macon County, Georgia this drunken mullet on wheels has desided to take his uncledad's pick-up for a ride around the farm but what he doesn't know is . . . I'm banging his wife!" Then they cut to a live feed of John Bunnell doggin' that bitch from the back. Or how about this: "Here in Macon County, Georgia a normal traffic stop has turned into a high speed pursuit. The fact that this criminal has failed to realize is . . . that there's a small, bearded man wearing a pine cone hat in his back seat, waving a bloody hatchet above his head." That would freshen things up a bit. No? Oh, ok.

HOW CAN I WATCH THIS SHIT? Part II

You can tell how much trouble we're in just by watching t.v. for three minutes. Here's an example: I saw a commercial where an attractive woman looks into a mirror, runs her hands through her hair and then makes a face like she just shit a silly straw. Then the voice over says, "What's worse than roots?" What's worse than roots? How about cancer you stupid shit. I don't know, maybe being homeless or getting attacked by Johnnie and his cronies from the Cobra Kai Dojo. There was one other time I saw that commercial but I wasn't really paying attention so when the guy said, "What's worse than roots?", I thought he was talking about the epic mini-series starring Levar Burton. What's worse than roots? Fuck you. Is that how far out of whck our priorities are? You can't ask a question like that nowadays. You got suicide bombers and government cover-ups and that asshole yeti walking around. Fuck your hair. The commercial should've gone like this: The woman looks at her hair, makes an ugly face then the voice over says, "Get over yourself, asshole!". Then I would enter stage right wearing noghing but a sweater vest and neckerchief, crooning like a drunk. Now that would've made a great commercial.

HOW CAN I WATCH THIS SHIT? Part I

No matter how hard I try, I cannot stop watching television. No matter how many times I sit there and say, "What the fuck have we become", I still tune in night after night. It's too powerful. Either that or I'm just a big, stupid dick. I always hear people talk about t.v. as if it were a poison and I completely understand where they're coming from. On many accounts, I actually agree with them but I can't stop watching. There are so many good shows . . . like Maury. You watch Maury, right? That show is the shit. My wife records it on the DVR everyday and they don't just play one episode. No. Fuck that. They play two in a row and then a couple of hours later . . . THEY PLAY TWO MORE! Maury knows we can't get enough of his show. Day after day of paternity tests and crushed hopes, it's great. It doesn't matter where you're from or how you grew up, when you watch Maury you laugh, you cry, you smile when you find that renewed sense of hope and then you ask, "How the fuck are we the species that controls everything?" If you get the chance, watch the Maury show, let all of the information that you've gained sink in and then picture our president sitting on stage between maury and some angry bitch waiting for those child support checks to come rolling in. He fits right in! We're fucked!