Ok, so my beloved Yankees got their asses handed to them yet again in the first round of the playoffs. It's gonna be an interesting off-season to say the least. Joe Torre, most likely, won't be back and this could cause a mass exodus of players. Jorge Posada, Bobby Abreu (Fozzy Bear), A-Rod and Mariano could be wearing different uniforms next year and it could all come down to if Papa Joe stays or not. I don't expect him to be here. Jorge's gonna test the market and they better treat the situation w/ Mariano gently. That leaves Abreu. First off, I'd like to bring the size of his glove to your attention. You could catch a melon in that thing. Second, he's not a #3 hitter. Plain and simple. I'd like to see him stay but he's better suited to be your 6th or 7th guy on the lineup. Who should be #3 then? Robinson Cano. .300 hitter, career high in homers and RBI's this season and he'll only get better.
Who else should get the fuck out of my city? Let's see . . . Giambi. Gone. Trade his ass. He wants to go to either Oakland or Anaheim? Good. Their pitching is better than ours. Get a decent reliever for him. Keep Matsui as the DH. Mussina? Gone! Double Gone!!! If you need an explaination then you can leave to. Farnsworth? Trade his ass. He still throws 96mph, believe me, somebody will want him. As a matter of fact, you could package up Giambi and Farnsworth for say a third baseman or a really good reliever. Would Eric Chavez play in New York? How about Scott Shields? Hmmm, interesting. I say 3rd baseman because A-Rod won't be here. I'm sorry but the Yankees are gonna lose 21 million just by him opting out of his contract. I think he'll be in San Fran next year.
The pitching rotation should be this: Wang, Pettite, Kennedy, Hughes and Chamberlain.
#1. Wang better get his head out of his ass and start sinking those sinker balls.
#2. Pettite might not even stay if Joe goes. He could retire and has actually said it.
#3. Kennedy, Hughes and Joba are young with a lot of upside. can't wait to see them be one of the nastiest 1-2-3 punches in MLB history.
In a nutshell, I think they gotta go after some serious relievers. Giambi, Farnsworth and Mussina should be gone. Bring in some heat from other cities. Keep Mo and Posada. If Abreu leaves it's ok. A-Rod is gone as far as I'm concerned and you can get whoever the hell you want with the money that would be free to play with. I think we all know that Papa Joe's gone. I'll miss him, you'll miss him. I love that guy like my own father for christ's sake. So I will leave you with two words: JOE GIRARDI.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Should I Move?
We all know what the word is on our leadership around here and I love talking shit about them. Nothing pleases me more than to talk a Bush lover into submission. However, I have been told many times that, "This is America. Love it or leave it." This always stalls my verbal bombardment. Should I leave? Really. Should I pack my shit and head elswhere. I suppose I could go Canadian and just look down every now and then with a hearty laugh thanks to the FREE HEALTH CARE I'd be getting.
After I'm told to leave by these submissive, red-neck, red state, authority loving mofo's, I always go into deep thought. Should I leave? I complain about this country enough. It's war, it's cover ups, it's non-seperation of church and state. I think long and hard about this issue. I always come to the same conclusion.
NO!!! My fat ass is staying where it is. I'm staying and there's nothing you bitches can do about it. I'm gonna stick around and see if I can help this place get back to the ways that made it great. Think about it. We're all here because this is where you go to make your dreams come true. If, back in the day, the American slogan was, " America . . . Fuck Yo Mama!" all our ancestors would've stayed home.
Unfortunately we get to deal with this regime that apparently wants this country to head into a fascist state. So there. it's settled. I'll stay and fight the good fight. Who's with me? Oh . . . wait a minute . . . there's a group of really white guys in JC Penney suits outside my window. I gotta go.
After I'm told to leave by these submissive, red-neck, red state, authority loving mofo's, I always go into deep thought. Should I leave? I complain about this country enough. It's war, it's cover ups, it's non-seperation of church and state. I think long and hard about this issue. I always come to the same conclusion.
NO!!! My fat ass is staying where it is. I'm staying and there's nothing you bitches can do about it. I'm gonna stick around and see if I can help this place get back to the ways that made it great. Think about it. We're all here because this is where you go to make your dreams come true. If, back in the day, the American slogan was, " America . . . Fuck Yo Mama!" all our ancestors would've stayed home.
Unfortunately we get to deal with this regime that apparently wants this country to head into a fascist state. So there. it's settled. I'll stay and fight the good fight. Who's with me? Oh . . . wait a minute . . . there's a group of really white guys in JC Penney suits outside my window. I gotta go.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Heaven Holds the Faithful Departed
People come and go. Am I right? Your friends, family members, the people you work with, the mail man . . . It's a revolving door. Sometimes it hurts. I just lost someone who meant a lot. It wasn't a surprise, we all saw it coming. But it still stung a a little when I got the call just before dinner.
She was someone who lit up the room before she even walked in. The type of person who made you a better human being just by standing next to you. Of all the people I know who complain, she was the only one who really deserved to . . . but she never did. So why are we?
I understand the period of grief and the mourning and the asking "WHY?" but realize one thing . . . There is no more suffering. They moved on. As far as I'm concerned it's the next step, not the end. The body that held the person you love is just a small fraction of them. It's just the physical part. What we love about this woman still exists. We just can't experience it the way we did. As humans, we're not wired that way. And it's a shame we can't celebrate someone's life when they've died.
"We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion." - Maynard James Keenan
In Loving Memory of my Godmother MARION PICCOLO
She was someone who lit up the room before she even walked in. The type of person who made you a better human being just by standing next to you. Of all the people I know who complain, she was the only one who really deserved to . . . but she never did. So why are we?
I understand the period of grief and the mourning and the asking "WHY?" but realize one thing . . . There is no more suffering. They moved on. As far as I'm concerned it's the next step, not the end. The body that held the person you love is just a small fraction of them. It's just the physical part. What we love about this woman still exists. We just can't experience it the way we did. As humans, we're not wired that way. And it's a shame we can't celebrate someone's life when they've died.
"We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion." - Maynard James Keenan
In Loving Memory of my Godmother MARION PICCOLO
Saturday, September 1, 2007
... And More Questions
#14 Q: The security gates go off and the customer who was walking through them at the time comes back to you at the register. What do you do?
A: I'd offer to shake hands and when they took the bait I'd drag them over the counter. Once on my side of the counter it's that much easier to show them my appreciation for timid folk.
#15 Q: You're at the Information desk looking up product that a customer would like specially ordered. You notice that there is a price discrepancy. What do you tell the customer and why is there a discrepancy?
A: I'd notify them that they smell like bear shit and suggest that they step back. Then I'd say, "There isn't really a discrepancy but you can go fuck yourself anyway."
#16 Q: What is the return policy?
A: If you're willing to subject yourself to a full day of tedious, back-breaking yard work at my parent's house then we'll take back the product. If not, then you better make could with the hands.
#17 Q: In what way are specially orderd items different than our regular stock items? What's our return policy regarding these items and how do we ensure that the customers both know and agree with this policy?
A: Specially ordered items are different because they come from the docks. For the return policy, see my asshole for details. We ensure that the customers know and agree with this policy by firing threatening letters through their windows during din-din.
#18 Q: When you're bringing at item to work, something that we normally carry, what is the procedure?
A: The procedure is to midget dance my way from one end of the parking lot to the other.
#19 Q: What do you do with returned product?
A: Me and my dad bang bitches.
#20 Q: Someone comes to you with a return but doesn't have their receipt. What do you ask for and what do you check?
A: I'd ask for their phone number because that's actual procedure then once I have it, I'd call their home to check if anyone was there. If someone answers, I'd mention Pimp Pilgrim and how he can help. If I get the answering machine, I would simply inform them of the fire that is soon to come. During all this the customer will be looking at me with shock, in which case I'd poke them in the eye and when they got back to sorts I would be in black face.
There it is. The questionnaire that led to 8 yeras of me bossing pople around and being responsible for a shit load of money. Well done.
A: I'd offer to shake hands and when they took the bait I'd drag them over the counter. Once on my side of the counter it's that much easier to show them my appreciation for timid folk.
#15 Q: You're at the Information desk looking up product that a customer would like specially ordered. You notice that there is a price discrepancy. What do you tell the customer and why is there a discrepancy?
A: I'd notify them that they smell like bear shit and suggest that they step back. Then I'd say, "There isn't really a discrepancy but you can go fuck yourself anyway."
#16 Q: What is the return policy?
A: If you're willing to subject yourself to a full day of tedious, back-breaking yard work at my parent's house then we'll take back the product. If not, then you better make could with the hands.
#17 Q: In what way are specially orderd items different than our regular stock items? What's our return policy regarding these items and how do we ensure that the customers both know and agree with this policy?
A: Specially ordered items are different because they come from the docks. For the return policy, see my asshole for details. We ensure that the customers know and agree with this policy by firing threatening letters through their windows during din-din.
#18 Q: When you're bringing at item to work, something that we normally carry, what is the procedure?
A: The procedure is to midget dance my way from one end of the parking lot to the other.
#19 Q: What do you do with returned product?
A: Me and my dad bang bitches.
#20 Q: Someone comes to you with a return but doesn't have their receipt. What do you ask for and what do you check?
A: I'd ask for their phone number because that's actual procedure then once I have it, I'd call their home to check if anyone was there. If someone answers, I'd mention Pimp Pilgrim and how he can help. If I get the answering machine, I would simply inform them of the fire that is soon to come. During all this the customer will be looking at me with shock, in which case I'd poke them in the eye and when they got back to sorts I would be in black face.
There it is. The questionnaire that led to 8 yeras of me bossing pople around and being responsible for a shit load of money. Well done.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
More Questions
For those of you just joining us, and judging by the amount of comments I'll be entertaining myself for a while, please refer to the previous posts so that you aren't lost.
#8 Q: A customer comes to you in one section of the store with product from a different section. What should you ask that customer?
A: I would ask them if they were truly an asshole or if it's just a game that they play. Then I'd swiftly pull a raw hide from my pouch.
#9 Q: You're walking by the front of the store and the security gates go off. What do you do?
A: A vast series of aerobic techinique that will show everyone what I'm capable of.
#10 Q: You see a customer in our Movie section and realize that he has been there for a while. How do you handle this?
A: I'd spread my arms and become an airplane. I would circle the man and notify him that he's standing exactly where I have to land. Then I'd start making a shitty alarm noise and make like there's trouble with the aircraft as I crash into him sending us both to the floor.
#11 Q: It's your scheduled break and you intend on leaving the building. What is the procedure?
A: The procedure is to quickly run to the front doors and tell everyone to go get fucked.
#12 Q: Who belongs in our stockrooms?
A: Mer-man.
#13 Q: You see a customer pocket and item. What should you do?
A: I would manhandle them to no end, forcing them to join myself and Rip Torn at yet another screening for Rip's independant film, "El Curio And The Scratchcock".
#8 Q: A customer comes to you in one section of the store with product from a different section. What should you ask that customer?
A: I would ask them if they were truly an asshole or if it's just a game that they play. Then I'd swiftly pull a raw hide from my pouch.
#9 Q: You're walking by the front of the store and the security gates go off. What do you do?
A: A vast series of aerobic techinique that will show everyone what I'm capable of.
#10 Q: You see a customer in our Movie section and realize that he has been there for a while. How do you handle this?
A: I'd spread my arms and become an airplane. I would circle the man and notify him that he's standing exactly where I have to land. Then I'd start making a shitty alarm noise and make like there's trouble with the aircraft as I crash into him sending us both to the floor.
#11 Q: It's your scheduled break and you intend on leaving the building. What is the procedure?
A: The procedure is to quickly run to the front doors and tell everyone to go get fucked.
#12 Q: Who belongs in our stockrooms?
A: Mer-man.
#13 Q: You see a customer pocket and item. What should you do?
A: I would manhandle them to no end, forcing them to join myself and Rip Torn at yet another screening for Rip's independant film, "El Curio And The Scratchcock".
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
The Questionnaire
If you haven't read the blog before this one, "People Never Learn", read it now.
#2 Q: Name some tools that you have at your disposal to meet our customer's needs. Name at least 3.
A: My cock, fingers and hair.
#3 Q: If a specified product isn't in stock, what should you automatically do to help that customer?
A: I would automatically challenge them to a dance-off. Following the boogie-down, I would then lead them to a hidden
corner and begin the execution.
#4 Q: A customer looks on our user friendly in-house computer and finds something to their liking. They then find you and
say that it's in section 3A. What do you do to put the product in the customer's hand?
A: My strength would help because I would pick them up and carry them away. Once we've reached a destination I would
drop them to the floor, say, "You were terrific.", slap my ass, cough and calmly walk away.
#5 Q: What are the services we can extend to the customers at the cash register?
A: Services such as forcing them to watch my A-hole open up as I blast a steamer or a vicious bird call go a long way.
#6 Q: The customer at your register says, "I didn't find what I was looking for.", What do you say to her?
A: I would just stand there holding my breath till I could hold it no more then exhale violently so that spit and bad
breath would cover her face and collar area. I could also reinact the torching of Dimple Hill.
#7 Q: What can you recommend to customers in the cafe?
A: I would recommend that they follow me to the back-stock area. I'd tell them that this is where we keep the freshest food and that they could take whatever they wanted because they're good people and while they were rifling through product I'd attach some sort of winged extension to my arms and flap about their ass and back. Once asked what I was doing, I'd begin weeping and vomiting. That should get them out of my hair for a while.
More to come...
#2 Q: Name some tools that you have at your disposal to meet our customer's needs. Name at least 3.
A: My cock, fingers and hair.
#3 Q: If a specified product isn't in stock, what should you automatically do to help that customer?
A: I would automatically challenge them to a dance-off. Following the boogie-down, I would then lead them to a hidden
corner and begin the execution.
#4 Q: A customer looks on our user friendly in-house computer and finds something to their liking. They then find you and
say that it's in section 3A. What do you do to put the product in the customer's hand?
A: My strength would help because I would pick them up and carry them away. Once we've reached a destination I would
drop them to the floor, say, "You were terrific.", slap my ass, cough and calmly walk away.
#5 Q: What are the services we can extend to the customers at the cash register?
A: Services such as forcing them to watch my A-hole open up as I blast a steamer or a vicious bird call go a long way.
#6 Q: The customer at your register says, "I didn't find what I was looking for.", What do you say to her?
A: I would just stand there holding my breath till I could hold it no more then exhale violently so that spit and bad
breath would cover her face and collar area. I could also reinact the torching of Dimple Hill.
#7 Q: What can you recommend to customers in the cafe?
A: I would recommend that they follow me to the back-stock area. I'd tell them that this is where we keep the freshest food and that they could take whatever they wanted because they're good people and while they were rifling through product I'd attach some sort of winged extension to my arms and flap about their ass and back. Once asked what I was doing, I'd begin weeping and vomiting. That should get them out of my hair for a while.
More to come...
People Never Learn
Way back in the day I worked for a retail store for over 8 years. Apparently I'm one of these people who never learn. For 8 years I spent 40+ hours a week helping people, answering questions (most of them beyond stupid), cleaning up after some of the most disgusting assholes New York has to offer, serving coffee, stealing from the company, banging all the grief stricken women (you'll find tons working in retail) and occasionally setting fire to my ass hair just to prove a point. For almost a decade, I got paid shitty wages and was given way too much to handle. When I was first hired, they spent a week training me. At the end of that week they gave me a "New Employee Questionnaire". I had an hour to fill it out which is way too much time for someone like me to sit at a table thinking about how to answer these schmuck questions. About 20 seconds into it, I decided that I didn't really want to work there and just wrote down a bunch of shit. I handed it in and I worked there for 8 years. I ran two departments and was responsible for about 15 people. Here is the first question and answer to that questionnaire that led to the beginning of a regretful career:
*I have changed the name of the company for I haven't the funds for a lawsuit. Let's call it Brownstar's
Q: What is our main focus as employees of Brownstar's? (Hint: It's the job we all have in common.)
A: Our main focus is customer service. Whether it's hand, mouth or anal service all depends on the customer's needs. For instance, if a leopard gets into the store, a variety of biblical screams may help.
This is the first question of many. I will share this entire questionnaire with you in my upcoming blogs. ENJOY
*I have changed the name of the company for I haven't the funds for a lawsuit. Let's call it Brownstar's
Q: What is our main focus as employees of Brownstar's? (Hint: It's the job we all have in common.)
A: Our main focus is customer service. Whether it's hand, mouth or anal service all depends on the customer's needs. For instance, if a leopard gets into the store, a variety of biblical screams may help.
This is the first question of many. I will share this entire questionnaire with you in my upcoming blogs. ENJOY
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