For those of you just joining us, and judging by the amount of comments I'll be entertaining myself for a while, please refer to the previous posts so that you aren't lost.
#8 Q: A customer comes to you in one section of the store with product from a different section. What should you ask that customer?
A: I would ask them if they were truly an asshole or if it's just a game that they play. Then I'd swiftly pull a raw hide from my pouch.
#9 Q: You're walking by the front of the store and the security gates go off. What do you do?
A: A vast series of aerobic techinique that will show everyone what I'm capable of.
#10 Q: You see a customer in our Movie section and realize that he has been there for a while. How do you handle this?
A: I'd spread my arms and become an airplane. I would circle the man and notify him that he's standing exactly where I have to land. Then I'd start making a shitty alarm noise and make like there's trouble with the aircraft as I crash into him sending us both to the floor.
#11 Q: It's your scheduled break and you intend on leaving the building. What is the procedure?
A: The procedure is to quickly run to the front doors and tell everyone to go get fucked.
#12 Q: Who belongs in our stockrooms?
A: Mer-man.
#13 Q: You see a customer pocket and item. What should you do?
A: I would manhandle them to no end, forcing them to join myself and Rip Torn at yet another screening for Rip's independant film, "El Curio And The Scratchcock".
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
The Questionnaire
If you haven't read the blog before this one, "People Never Learn", read it now.
#2 Q: Name some tools that you have at your disposal to meet our customer's needs. Name at least 3.
A: My cock, fingers and hair.
#3 Q: If a specified product isn't in stock, what should you automatically do to help that customer?
A: I would automatically challenge them to a dance-off. Following the boogie-down, I would then lead them to a hidden
corner and begin the execution.
#4 Q: A customer looks on our user friendly in-house computer and finds something to their liking. They then find you and
say that it's in section 3A. What do you do to put the product in the customer's hand?
A: My strength would help because I would pick them up and carry them away. Once we've reached a destination I would
drop them to the floor, say, "You were terrific.", slap my ass, cough and calmly walk away.
#5 Q: What are the services we can extend to the customers at the cash register?
A: Services such as forcing them to watch my A-hole open up as I blast a steamer or a vicious bird call go a long way.
#6 Q: The customer at your register says, "I didn't find what I was looking for.", What do you say to her?
A: I would just stand there holding my breath till I could hold it no more then exhale violently so that spit and bad
breath would cover her face and collar area. I could also reinact the torching of Dimple Hill.
#7 Q: What can you recommend to customers in the cafe?
A: I would recommend that they follow me to the back-stock area. I'd tell them that this is where we keep the freshest food and that they could take whatever they wanted because they're good people and while they were rifling through product I'd attach some sort of winged extension to my arms and flap about their ass and back. Once asked what I was doing, I'd begin weeping and vomiting. That should get them out of my hair for a while.
More to come...
#2 Q: Name some tools that you have at your disposal to meet our customer's needs. Name at least 3.
A: My cock, fingers and hair.
#3 Q: If a specified product isn't in stock, what should you automatically do to help that customer?
A: I would automatically challenge them to a dance-off. Following the boogie-down, I would then lead them to a hidden
corner and begin the execution.
#4 Q: A customer looks on our user friendly in-house computer and finds something to their liking. They then find you and
say that it's in section 3A. What do you do to put the product in the customer's hand?
A: My strength would help because I would pick them up and carry them away. Once we've reached a destination I would
drop them to the floor, say, "You were terrific.", slap my ass, cough and calmly walk away.
#5 Q: What are the services we can extend to the customers at the cash register?
A: Services such as forcing them to watch my A-hole open up as I blast a steamer or a vicious bird call go a long way.
#6 Q: The customer at your register says, "I didn't find what I was looking for.", What do you say to her?
A: I would just stand there holding my breath till I could hold it no more then exhale violently so that spit and bad
breath would cover her face and collar area. I could also reinact the torching of Dimple Hill.
#7 Q: What can you recommend to customers in the cafe?
A: I would recommend that they follow me to the back-stock area. I'd tell them that this is where we keep the freshest food and that they could take whatever they wanted because they're good people and while they were rifling through product I'd attach some sort of winged extension to my arms and flap about their ass and back. Once asked what I was doing, I'd begin weeping and vomiting. That should get them out of my hair for a while.
More to come...
People Never Learn
Way back in the day I worked for a retail store for over 8 years. Apparently I'm one of these people who never learn. For 8 years I spent 40+ hours a week helping people, answering questions (most of them beyond stupid), cleaning up after some of the most disgusting assholes New York has to offer, serving coffee, stealing from the company, banging all the grief stricken women (you'll find tons working in retail) and occasionally setting fire to my ass hair just to prove a point. For almost a decade, I got paid shitty wages and was given way too much to handle. When I was first hired, they spent a week training me. At the end of that week they gave me a "New Employee Questionnaire". I had an hour to fill it out which is way too much time for someone like me to sit at a table thinking about how to answer these schmuck questions. About 20 seconds into it, I decided that I didn't really want to work there and just wrote down a bunch of shit. I handed it in and I worked there for 8 years. I ran two departments and was responsible for about 15 people. Here is the first question and answer to that questionnaire that led to the beginning of a regretful career:
*I have changed the name of the company for I haven't the funds for a lawsuit. Let's call it Brownstar's
Q: What is our main focus as employees of Brownstar's? (Hint: It's the job we all have in common.)
A: Our main focus is customer service. Whether it's hand, mouth or anal service all depends on the customer's needs. For instance, if a leopard gets into the store, a variety of biblical screams may help.
This is the first question of many. I will share this entire questionnaire with you in my upcoming blogs. ENJOY
*I have changed the name of the company for I haven't the funds for a lawsuit. Let's call it Brownstar's
Q: What is our main focus as employees of Brownstar's? (Hint: It's the job we all have in common.)
A: Our main focus is customer service. Whether it's hand, mouth or anal service all depends on the customer's needs. For instance, if a leopard gets into the store, a variety of biblical screams may help.
This is the first question of many. I will share this entire questionnaire with you in my upcoming blogs. ENJOY
Monday, August 27, 2007
I'm just an idiot!
I just spent twenty minutes pacing around outside my house, armed with my shitty HP digital camera, hoping to catch a glimpse of Mars. "It'll be so close you can pinch it with your toes", they told me. Yeah, I got a nice view of my empty hopes and a few crackheads running the stop sign. SON OF A BITCH!!! I'm gonna start my own little rumor. Here it is: If you find yourself all alone outside, staring at the sky, a leprachaun will offer you sweets and a reach around. I wish I had a telescope so I could smash the cranium of the jerkoff who told me to stand outside looking like a dick. Shit.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
What A Wonderful World!
I'd like to start off by thanking my "Elected" officials for creating an environment that gives me a reason to shit in my pants on a daily basis. Thank you from the bottom of my soiled undies. If you read my earlier blogs (if you didn't then you're a dick) you know that I have children. Never in my life did I think that I would be able to care for something, anything, the way I do my kids. The daddy in me kicked in to full gear quickly. There in lies the problem. My first thought in the morning; The Kids, my last thought at night; The kids. Every once in a while I'll think of deli meats or driving a "Mr. Softee" truck through someone's living room but for the most part, I'm thinking of my own.
So how do you think I feel when our beautiful color-coded emergency system kicks into gear? Orange, red, yellow, fuck you. What have I done? I brought two kids into a world of war and fear. They're gonna grow up with this shit. And how the fuck am I supposed to answer all their questions? They're gonna grow up hearing all this bad shit about the country they live in and they're gonna ask me, "Daddy, why do we live here?" And I'm gonna say, "Go ask your mother. She's really smart. Daddy make poopy." Then I'll spit a little and fake a fainting.
When I was a boy in the 80's (what a hoot that was) I just heard the remains of the cold war. "Those scary soviets could strike at any minute!!! Run, run straight to your church and pray!!!" Because one of the lord's many talents is stealing launch codes, I'm sure. Fortunately for me, Rocky IV came out and I saw, with my own two eyes, Rocky Balboa beat the shit out of Ivan Drago. He was in enemy territory and they couldn't even beat him. Oh yeah, they sent a few retards after him when he went out for a morning jog. That movie single handedly turned the Soviet Union into a shitty joke. We laughed for hours on end, "Ha, ha, ha."
My kids need a movie like that. A nice animated feature that shows their enemies as nothing but a bunch of ugly assholes who use their money and position in life to scare us all into submission. I wonder if the Bush administration would be willing to do the voice overs and the main character can be an oily seagull.
I don't know what to believe anymore. I have no trust in the people who are supposed to be protecting me and my family. I replaced religion with thought when I was a teenager, so sitting alone at the edge of my bed, talking to my ceiling is out. Every plan that my so-called "leaders" come up with is dumber than the next. We can't come up with anything better? Are you fucking kidding me? Here's what I'm gonna do; I'm gonna take care of my own and preserve life as I see fit. My government has failed my children, religion can only do more harm and the education system is just a real peach. Just ask the folks in New Orleans about the help they got. No government, no church and nobody came to their aid, they had eachother and that was it. Let it be a lesson. We've had planes crash into NYC and a hurricane practically wipe away one of the greatest cities on the planet. Take charge, open your eyes and speak up. Maybe, just maybe, by the time my kids are old and dirty they can truly be proud of their world.
So how do you think I feel when our beautiful color-coded emergency system kicks into gear? Orange, red, yellow, fuck you. What have I done? I brought two kids into a world of war and fear. They're gonna grow up with this shit. And how the fuck am I supposed to answer all their questions? They're gonna grow up hearing all this bad shit about the country they live in and they're gonna ask me, "Daddy, why do we live here?" And I'm gonna say, "Go ask your mother. She's really smart. Daddy make poopy." Then I'll spit a little and fake a fainting.
When I was a boy in the 80's (what a hoot that was) I just heard the remains of the cold war. "Those scary soviets could strike at any minute!!! Run, run straight to your church and pray!!!" Because one of the lord's many talents is stealing launch codes, I'm sure. Fortunately for me, Rocky IV came out and I saw, with my own two eyes, Rocky Balboa beat the shit out of Ivan Drago. He was in enemy territory and they couldn't even beat him. Oh yeah, they sent a few retards after him when he went out for a morning jog. That movie single handedly turned the Soviet Union into a shitty joke. We laughed for hours on end, "Ha, ha, ha."
My kids need a movie like that. A nice animated feature that shows their enemies as nothing but a bunch of ugly assholes who use their money and position in life to scare us all into submission. I wonder if the Bush administration would be willing to do the voice overs and the main character can be an oily seagull.
I don't know what to believe anymore. I have no trust in the people who are supposed to be protecting me and my family. I replaced religion with thought when I was a teenager, so sitting alone at the edge of my bed, talking to my ceiling is out. Every plan that my so-called "leaders" come up with is dumber than the next. We can't come up with anything better? Are you fucking kidding me? Here's what I'm gonna do; I'm gonna take care of my own and preserve life as I see fit. My government has failed my children, religion can only do more harm and the education system is just a real peach. Just ask the folks in New Orleans about the help they got. No government, no church and nobody came to their aid, they had eachother and that was it. Let it be a lesson. We've had planes crash into NYC and a hurricane practically wipe away one of the greatest cities on the planet. Take charge, open your eyes and speak up. Maybe, just maybe, by the time my kids are old and dirty they can truly be proud of their world.
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